This probably isn't even worthwhile reading to most people.. but hopefully it'll definitely be useful for me to write... ;) I'm going to start off with moaning that it is valentine's day tomorrow... it frustrates me that the prices of everything doubles, it frustrates me that those that are 'in love' are even more loved up despite the fact that in my opinion if they were truly in love they would treat each other in that way every day! It frustrates me that those who have nobody moan and complain and bleugghh all over facebook! It frustrates me that I am now single and have nobody to be with on valentines day...(yes, well done for picking up on my hypocriticness there... but this is MY blog to do with as I please :P ) It also frustrates me that there are so many little valentines things that I want to be in on but have nobody to be 'in on them with' Like lots of lovely little crafty bits I could be making...but no... instead I'm moping! :P
Now I'm going to rant that I've had an appalling driving lesson that people keep telling me was ok... but I have high standards! I know it takes me longer than most to learn things, and my instructor is very good with this and very understanding... but still.. I feel like I'm letting myself down, lesson 1..... do things at your own pace, life isn't a competition, and it's no fun when you get competitive with yourself!
On to the most important thing that is swishing around in my head at the moment! RELIGION!!! Arghh.. I want to start my own. end of story.. you wish.. no, honestly :p I'm going to air it all out... so if you don't want to hear it I'm afraid it's time to stop reading ;)
I was born and baptised a catholic, I went to a catholic primary school, and took my first holy communion, then I went to a catholic secondary school, and point blankly refused to be confirmed. So now what? I have recieved two of the seven (or at least that's how many I think there are!) :s catholic sacrements, and I don't wish to posses them... but as far as I know there is no way of ridding myself of them... so this religion has been imposed upon me and I've no way of undoing it all.
According to the catholic religion I have commited a mortal sin which I don't wish to confess to a priest... and thus I am no longer welcome to recieve the body of Jesus Christ in church. To be honest... I'm not sure I wish to, but it frustrates me that the church isn't inclusive of everyone.. unless they actively show they are sorry for what they have done.. personally I feel at peace with myself and the world... I don't need a prop.. or a higher being to lean on/ blame things on when things are hard. I have been brought up to 'have faith' and at times I wonder what in... I know I have faith in myself and I know I can acheive whatever I wish if I try hard enough. That is down to nobody but myself and the amount of effort I am willing to put in to a thing... 'God' does not assist me in my life. The concept is something I've pondered over for so many years, I used to believe in God, and attend church regularly at primary school, then, however at secondary school when I began studying Catholic Christianity in depth I realised just how much of it appeared to be conflicting and hypocritical, or based on stories and evidence that was created from the head of humans... no hard facts... nothing. I suppose that is where the 'faith' comes in... but how can you have faith in something you have never once encountered?!? I have never been in awe of anything God has supposedly created, never once witnessed a thing that may sway me towards belief. Sometimes I wonder would I be happier accepting that there are things I cannot understand... that there is somebody higher looking out for me, accepting that my life is mapped out or that the stories in the bible have been properly interpreted and were written as a documentary of a true event. I don't however think that I can.. I do not believe that I could be any happier via belief. I LOVE and embrace people who have faith and follow their religion, often I wonder have I just not yet found the right one... Catholocism is all I have ever known, but for me.. beleiving in and following the same rituals as others just doesn't cut it.. I worship life and happiness and spirit... I hope I have a positive impact upon the world and assist in making it a better place. I love all life forms and would never hurt a fly (Roman catholics do not believe animals have a soul... which again is something I struggle with.)... religion also seems to be a scapegoat for many, which is a shame... but I think the conclusion I have been able to come to is that I am in control of my life and I am going to try my best to be happy in everything that I do, I am going to listen to other people's views upon religion and perhaps even partake in some of their ceremonies and rituals.. I will embrace their ethos and use their findings to better my life and the lives of others... but I refuse to follow a set religion that just doesn't contain all the elements I need to be able to do what I want to do. I love my life and my spirit and I wouldn't change a thing! I try to have no regrets and I try to be the best person I can posibly be.... lesson two.... belief is a beautiful thing... believe in yourself, accept yourself... look deep into your heart and love what is there.
