Just a nice big fat rant!

This probably isn't even worthwhile reading to most people.. but hopefully it'll definitely be useful for me to write... ;) I'm going to start off with moaning that it is valentine's day tomorrow... it frustrates me that the prices of everything doubles, it frustrates me that those that are 'in love' are even more loved up despite the fact that in my opinion if they were truly in love they would treat each other in that way every day! It frustrates me that those who have nobody moan and complain and bleugghh all over facebook! It frustrates me that I am now single and have nobody to be with on valentines day...(yes, well done for picking up on my hypocriticness there... but this is MY blog to do with as I please :P ) It also frustrates me that there are so many little valentines things that I want to be in on but have nobody to be 'in on them with' Like lots of lovely little crafty bits I could be making...but no... instead I'm moping! :P

Now I'm going to rant that I've had an appalling driving lesson that people keep telling me was ok... but I have high standards! I know it takes me longer than most to learn things, and my instructor is very good with this and very understanding... but still.. I feel like I'm letting myself down, lesson 1..... do things at your own pace, life isn't a competition, and it's no fun when you get competitive with yourself! 

On to the most important thing that is swishing around in my head at the moment! RELIGION!!! Arghh.. I want to start my own. end of story.. you wish.. no, honestly :p I'm going to air it all out... so if you don't want to hear it I'm afraid it's time to stop reading ;)

I was born and baptised a catholic, I went to a catholic primary school, and took my first holy communion, then I went to a catholic secondary school, and point blankly refused to be confirmed. So now what? I have recieved two of the seven (or at least that's how many I think there are!) :s catholic sacrements, and I don't wish to posses them... but as far as I know there is no way of ridding myself of them... so this religion has been imposed upon me and I've no way of undoing it all.

According to the catholic religion I have commited a mortal sin which I don't wish to confess to a priest... and thus I am no longer welcome to recieve the body of Jesus Christ in church. To be honest... I'm not sure I wish to, but it frustrates me that the church isn't inclusive of everyone.. unless they actively show they are sorry for what they have done.. personally I feel at peace with myself and the world... I don't need a prop.. or a higher being to lean on/ blame things on when things are hard. I have been brought up to 'have faith' and at times I wonder what in... I know I have faith in myself  and I know I can acheive whatever I wish if I try hard enough. That is down to nobody but myself and the amount of effort I am willing to put in to a thing... 'God' does not assist me in my life. The concept is something I've pondered over for so many years, I used to believe in God, and attend church regularly at primary school, then, however at secondary school when I began studying Catholic Christianity in depth I realised just how much of it appeared to be conflicting and hypocritical, or based on stories and evidence that was created from the head of humans... no hard facts... nothing. I suppose that is where the 'faith' comes in... but how can you have faith in something you have never once encountered?!? I have never been in awe of anything God has supposedly created, never once witnessed a thing that may sway me towards belief. Sometimes I wonder would I be happier accepting that there are things I cannot understand... that there is somebody higher looking out for me, accepting that my life is mapped out or that the stories in the bible have been properly interpreted and were written as a documentary of a true event. I don't however think that I can.. I do not believe that I could be any happier via belief. I LOVE and embrace people who have faith and follow their religion, often I wonder have I just not yet found the right one... Catholocism is all I have ever known, but for me.. beleiving in and following the same rituals as others just doesn't cut it.. I worship life and happiness and spirit... I hope I have a positive impact upon the world and assist in making it a better place. I love all life forms and would never hurt a fly (Roman catholics do not believe animals have a soul... which again is something I struggle with.)... religion also seems to be a scapegoat for many, which is a shame... but I think the conclusion I have been able to come to is that I am in control of my life and I am going to try my best to be happy in everything that I do, I am going to listen to other people's views upon religion and perhaps even partake in some of their ceremonies and rituals.. I will embrace their ethos and use their findings to better my life and the lives of others... but I refuse to follow a set religion that just doesn't contain all the elements I need to be able to do what I want to do. I love my life and my spirit and I wouldn't change a thing! I try to have no regrets and I try to be the best person I can posibly be.... lesson two.... belief is a beautiful thing... believe in yourself, accept yourself... look deep into your heart and love what is there.

Well well well...

Back into a routine now :( a horrible horrible boring routine! :p Homework is piling and the workload is increasing... and to top it all off I'm ill.

So today I decided was going to be yet another..... lazy day! I've done literally nothing for so long now it's untrue... I did however manage to fill out some forms for some coaching courses in Derby and am currently attempting a grant application... *sigh* why is nothing that's worth it ever easy?

College has been..... shall we call it interesting? One of my teachers has taken on a 'self-learning' approach, which, in the right environment I would have no problem with at all, i.e. at home... However, in a noisy classroom, whereby everbody is chatting about mostly irrelevant things I find it extremely hard to concentrate enough to teach myself an entire chapter of a textbook! Although it appears he has no plans to rethink his approach after I spoke to him about it.  Thus I am losing motivation to go to his classes as it feels like a waste of an hour and half... which I have to make up for once I get home and I have the homework to do on top of it!

Luckily, one thing in my life is going well! Gymnastics... *I love you* it is the biggest thing in my life right now... completely and utterly holding me together! Especially when I realise I can do more than I think! My back tuck is improving all the time and my front sommie appears just to be fine! So life is good! :D Hopefully all this form filling will be worth it and one day in the not so far future I'll be a qualified level one coach!

Lots has happened!

So, as I said I spent the weekend over at my dads new house, helping to wash blinds, walls, doors, kitchens, and anything else that looked remotely grubby, I also did a little bit of painting and had an amazing nights sleep on a mattress on the floor! Sometimes I am amazed by how I can sleep absolutely anywhere if I am tired enough, yet if I am even remotely awake I can be in THE most comfortable bed in the world.... yet still won't get the slightest bit of shut eye.... *sigh*.

Friday 13th, another lesson learned, it is much the same as any other Friday as far as I'm concerned, I was still tired and grumbly, the children I was coaching were still as uncooperative as usual, (most of them are great, I really shouldn't complain, I do love coahing them really! :P) and life just carried on as usual, although I didn't get out of bed for much of the day which probably explained why it was so uneventful.

And today! well, I have had a revelation! :D I thought that after I dropped biology the prospects of me becoming a midwife had not just depleated, but completely vanished.......  However, turns out that related subjects also include psychology and sociology too, both of which I am studying, so I am officially back on the hunt for work experience and help from anyone and everyone who knows anything about everything! Another lesson learnt... don't give up, even when you think all is lost!

Freedom!

Today was very eventful! First of all I had my sociology exam, which was harder than I was expecting! Darn those first two exams that made me feel as though I could relax! Lesson learnt... don't relax before an exam just because the last two didn't stress you out!

However, after that I went to 'work' oh how odd that sounds :p and earnt myself some money :) ahh, 'mazin'! I do love being able to look at things and know that I will actually be able to save up for them! :D

I want one of these! :D

After I had been to 'work' I caught the bus at an extortionate £2.30! (and they wonder why people don't use public transport eh? It was only a 10 minute journey!) to see my Dad, he moved into his new house yesterday, so I thought I'd go over and see what the place is like and possibly lend a hand, although I was too exhausted if I'm honest, so I'm going to pop over on the weekend to help out :)

Then this evening I worked on my arts award... you might like to take a look now over here :), it is begining to take shape... :) I feel very uplifted and as though I have completed a lot today!

ARGHHHH! :D

The most exciting evening ever! I did a back tuck on my own! :D (it's just a gymnasticy term for backflip for those of you that weren't sure) but it's the first time I've done it alone, unsupported.... without even being shadowed :) Oh my... I really am struggling to write this through my excitement! I forgot to take my video camera along to film it though :( maybe next week eh? :D

On a more boring note... I have my last exam tomorrow.. Yaya! I am sort of excited, as I'd like to get it over with, but at the same time nervous, as some silly bean chose to go to gymnastics tonight instead of revising! (but for the life of me - I can't think who that might be! :P) My business studies exam today went quite well... it feels like forever ago now! I just ran out of time a little bit on the last question and so didn't answer it as well as I'd liked to have done, but oh well, not much I can do now :)

I am really enjoying this stressless exam period, I've never had it before but I'm certain that I like it! College seems to have a much more positive outlook on exams, all of my tutors persistently tell us how confident they are and how we are all very clever... whereas at my last school I had a much more negative experience with the E word being THE most important things we will EVER do! and we MUST pass, as re - takes are AWFUL... yada yada yada, the list goes on! I love the colleges can-do attitude and how they tell us all those little tips and tricks to pass... rather than just teach us a whole other chapter we don't need in the hope that the examiner will think we know what we are talking about.... -.-

Anyway... I don't want to end on exams because....... I CAN DO A BACK TUCK!!!! :D

Today I feel invincible! :)

I got to college in a surprisingly good mood... absolutely ready and raring for that psychology exam! :) I went in and sat it with only one question I didn't understand... and it was only worth one mark! Yay! I did give it a bash though.. maybe I'll get a mark for persistance ;) I have a business studies one tomorrow that I am going to spend the rest of today and tomorrow morning revising for... I am very pleased though as I can already remember all of the formulas which was the part that was really worrying me... maths just isn't my strongest subject..... what can I say?

Evidence that I do actually revise!

All be it with messy hair! :p

 

 

 I also started another blog, for my arts award, it will be my portfolio that I will hand in, so it probably won't make for very good reading but there could possibly be some interesting photo's at a later date so I will link you to it anyway :) silver arts award blog .

I hope that tomorrows exam goes as well as today's did, it feels really good to feel competent.... something I never once felt at my previous school. I just hope that all this poitive thinking doesn't lead me to having too many great expectations... just in case ;p

Productivity! (for once!)

Today has been extremely productive! Far more so than I'd expected to be honest :) I went to college at 10.30, expecting not really to do much and just end up chatting... but I didn't! we went through an exam paper and I learnt quite a lot - thanks to an amazing tutor ( yes I'm sad and like to be a bit of a teachers pet occasionally :P ) I feel sort of - not wanting to tempt fate or anything - confident! I feel ready to take on this exam! I also spent my evening revising with my old best friend from de lisle which was lovely :) I wish every day I attempted to revise was as good as today, I mean, of course I don't know everything..... but how can I expect to? So I think I'm as prepared as can be... I'll let you know tomorrow how the exam went! (just realised I didn't tell you that the subject this is all for is psychology! oops!)